New Years Eve

Another New Year
when I'm alone
feeling empty
not wanting to feel
as if I made the wrong choices
but not seeing other choices

The hard thing about regret is
that you need something to regret

Some decision that you ought not have made
but I don't have that

Saying well, go back back back and not
become involved with Norman...
no
no
I can't regret that
from that marriage came all the most
important moments of my life
nothing compares to those seconds,
minutes, hours, days that I was with him
when he was worth being with
And I can't regret
leaving him
when I learned the depth of cruelty

There is a term, 'decency forbids' in which no
matter what...one does NOT sink to a certain
level
but
he did
he always did
and he never had the sense of mercy or the
sense of compassion
and so
I don't regret marrying him or leaving him

With Alpha there were so many moments
but no alternatives

Had I a real chance with Ken...
but when I thought...
he was gone
hence
it was not to be
and it began as friendship
and never moved

I can't regret what never happened
what never almost happened
because it never reached that moment

So there is no point
that things could have been different
for there was no difference

I can't regret anything
and being alone
who would I be with?

There is no one I see maybe no one
exists who is the other side of my
circle

That is probably what I regret
that there is no other half to my
circle

I suppose I just reached a stage in which
I feel I should be
or should feel
and there's nothing
nothing at all
except today is just like yesterday
only it is tomorrow

2011

If I could pray for something I would
pray to meet the other side of my circle
I would pray for wealth and health and
to not feel so precarious anymore
for that is what I regret
this feeling of being
precarious