Without Conscience

For over twenty five years I have barricaded
myself from the possibility of having to rely
on anyone.

Since my accident I have become a parasite.
I can't go anywhere unless someone takes me.

Since October I have been working with K.
We went to school together and I assumed that
the basic standard of humanity would apply.

It did until about December when I suppose he
tired of decency and moved to his true self.

One of the things about Jews is that they feel
a sense of obligation to others. Their sense
of guilt in behaving not up to 'standard' will
effect them; if not at first then at last.

Non Jews, especially those who have no real
religious or ethical base do not have this kind
of internal 'monitor'.

As I live nowhere right now and have no one
and nothing to go home to, it really isn't
important if I get home at 5 or 7. It is just
a matter of decency what time I will be taken.

Originally K would have his son R drop
me off at the 'right' time. Then he decided
that I should wait for his wife who will be
going up with the kids.

As she has her own demons, and has been
adversely effected by living with a man so
selfish and cold she has been warped.

She originally would arrive at the office
and collect me and her son; perhaps taking
ten or fifteen minutes to spend on the
Internet.

Now, she's gone full tilt into sitting
on it for an hour and half.

Why?
How?

She knows I'm waiting and it probably
gives her orgasmic joy knowing she
can keep me trapped while she bangs
away doing nothing.

But further, there is another child, Z
who is taking extra lessons. The lessons
finish at 5:30.

As a parent I have always tried to be
early. I didn't want my child to be
standing there, waiting for me, perhaps
feeling insecure.

The one time I was late I felt so guilty
although it was beyond my control.

She, however, does not leave the office
until 5:30. This would mean that the
child would have to wait, at the best
ten minutes.

On Tuesday, however, the child has
another class at a different school
which begins at 5:45.

It is perfectly possible for the child to
be on time if the mother arrived at 5:30.
But on Tuesday the mother does not leave
the office until 5:45. This means the
child waits at least 30 minutes so she
can arrive at the other lesson late.

It is remarkable to see people like this
for I don't believe I have ever been
exposed to anyone of this nature before.

A mother, so angry and resentful that she
will punish her own children.

K and his wife have nothing to go home to.
Nor do their children. It seems evident they
have stayed together for the 'sake' of the
children who have come to mean nothing to them.

On Friday, knowing I go to shul K
decided to take me to the funeral of
Dudley Thompson. I knew what was going
to happen and thought to jinx it, but one
can't ever thwart this kind of genetic
evil.

So as it got closer to 5 pm I told him
I would walk, he said he'd be ready in
about ten minutes

He sat in a Church listening to a liturgy
as all the speeches had been over.

He was going to sit through an entire
Catholic ritual not because he was interested
in it, but because he knew if he could make
me wait he would gain that overwhelming sense
of power he craves.

I gave him ten minutes then went to shul.
I left him sitting in the Cathedral. I
wasn't even angry or surprised that he
would do this. It is an integral part of
his character.

I suppose my taking it as good theatre isn't
what they had in mind.

Maybe they'll one day realise how it would sound
when I mention their actions to anyone.

Yes, I can get the fact that Wife needs to
view her email, needs to take a glance at her
Facebook Page, but once it goes over fifteen
minutes it is no longer the reason...the reason
is to show power.

I walked to shul, wondering how many minutes after
I left he did. For what pleasure could he get in
exerting authority when there was no one to see it?

Walking into Wierd

So I wind up working for a batchmate. He pays me
a monthly salary. It's kind of a 'alternative
universe' experience on one hand and time eating
enslavement on the other.

What strikes me as fascinating in the kind of person
he became. Maybe all this double faced domination and
egotism was always there but he never got a chance to
daub me with it.

Maybe it's something that developed over the years.
But what I'm seeing is his effect on his wife and
kids, which is incredible.

Although he has a lot of kids with different women
those that 'grow' with him a somewhat warped.

What takes an average person a few hours or days if
they are especially damaged never happens with his
kids. They stay distant, self contained, as if
other people don't exist.

The wife has the ability to be normal but refrains
when around him. She doesn't pop into the office
all happy and outgoing, she slinks in silent, rarely
announcing her presence, not going to him, and being
silent.

The older boy is a virtual zombie. He holds his cell
phone in his hand at all times and texts. He is
constantly texting.

He has no conversation. He can be silent all day.
Trying to make conversation with him is contraindicated.
He gives one word answers if one does get an answer,
never betrays his feelings.

That he needs to communicate is proven with his
cell phone. He is always texting, reading texts,
no matter what is around him.

He doesn't talk to anyone.

His mother believes he has a girlfriend she has
never met. But there is no proof. No name no
meeting, just endless silence.

His sister came for a brief time to the office.
She is a bit more outgoing than him, but they
don't talk. She talks if spoken to or if she
needs something.

There is no relationship between the parents
and the children or among the children.
It is as if they were raised in silence and
forced to be silent so have come to see
silence as normal.

Another son from a different mother whom he
didn't raise is normal. He can talk, express
opinions, make remarks.

He doesn't talk to his half siblings at all.

The batchmate has a very cold and disrespectful
way of talking to me...his main remarks are;
"Too much Talking."

I come in sit down, turn on the computer and
look at what is dumped on my desk. I start the
work but don't call him in most cases because
it only leads to dismissal.

He doesn't want to hear anything from me.

He comes out and doesn't make eye contact,
sometimes barks an order.
Once and awhile smiles and shows me his
good side, but this might be 1 minute every
other week.

He doesn't want me on the phone; be it my own
or the office, or seeing anyone in his sight.
When he's absent the office is warmer, happier,
when he's there a pall hangs over the rooms.