No Denouement

I used to imagine having this dramatic confrontation where I'd reveal everything in this powerful voice and my kids would have to realise how wrong they were about me.

As this was rather tasteless, I thought about an email, one of those beautifully constructed bits of deathless prose.

I imagined various scenarios and each slammed up against the same 'wall'.

I choose to be as vacuous as they are, to share nothing, to answer in sentence fragments.

I assumed they would hold to a fantasy long after

my death, so moved the entire relationship,

(or lack thereof) to the box marked Trivia.

Over the years various 'tricks' were attempted

to pull my tongue; I recall the last trick was in one

telling me my Grand Daughter wanted to know my 'history'. I had grabbed this with job, and began to write about

my Mother's side of the family, posting a 'chapter' each day.

So taken by my story I wrote on and on, emailing one chapter
had reached chapter 4 and for some reason sent chapter 14 instead. There was no response. There was no notice that I had gone from 3 to 14 for no one was reading my work. It was just a trick. I ceased. Years passed and out of courtesy I sent an ecard. This provoked a long diatribe about the meaninglessness of ecards. I ceased all attempts at communication. Years passed and then I was told that one of them wanted to get in touch with me. So I connected. Because it was a facial call he could gauge that his arrows fell to the side. This is because after so many years one simply no longer has that automatic caring. And he realised whatever hook he had was gone. And he realised he wanted to make a link. Before it was too late.

The so-called Rabbi, who has polarised the community went on his 'contractual' leave.

He went on this leave because Ely asked Pharaoh if he wanted Crazy Guy to Represent the Jamaican Jewish community for its 50th anniversary.

Pharaoh has run the community with an iron hand
for decades. He wants a so-called Rabbi he can

control.

Crazy Guy is perfect, except for the fact he's running
his own scams. He 'obeys' his master with obvious reluctance.

I often said, in early days, that Crazy Guy didn't care about the community. Of course no one listened to me.

Crazy Guy, so as not to humiliate the Congregation on this
important date, went away.

Yesterday one lost soul asked me where he was. For
C.G. never told his congregation he would not be there.

There is a small bunch of people who haven't a clue about anything. They supported Crazy Guy because they didn't know better.

There is a number which couldn't care less about the
community. Others wanted a Rabbi who asks so little
from them and confirms their assimilation.

To the one who asked about Crazy Guy I answered with complete apathy; "He went on vacation."

I spoke as if it was a matter of no importance.

"He didn't say anything." She whines as if he would bother to tell her.

She doesn't suspect he couldn't care less about her, about the synagogue or anything except himself.

He goes through the motions because he is being paid and forces himself to do actions he is not comfortable with.

Such as be a Rabbi.

Today another one expressed question as to his absence and the fact he never told her he would be away.

It is so in his character to do this I am confirmed in my belief that this group may be missing that gene that allows normal people to tell 'gold' from 'brass'.

The two services were pleasant in their emphasis on the spirit. On taking the parashah and bringing it to life. One feels they were at synagogue instead of a tedious meeting where Robert's Rules reigns.

The Ungrateful Child

I was in a homeless shelter.
I called my daughter.
The daughter I had raised.
The daughter I had sent to school, paid school fees, bought clothes and everything for.
The child I carried with me each weekend and whenever I was invited anywhere.
The child whose childhood was made up of 'me and mama' because her father was too busy with various females to pay her much mind.

Yet, the child who worshiped her worthless father.

Something happened to me.
And I needed help
I called her.
For the first and only time in my life I asked her for help.

But she refused to help me.
Living in a large home with her husband and child with money to travel she decided it wasn't convenient.

Ten months later she can import her worthless father to her home and plan on supporting him for the rest of his life.

I find out via a mutual friend that he's 'gone up' to visit 'his daughter'. Neither he, whom I saw last week nor my daughter whom I communicated with on Skype told me.
I find out via an outsider.
And how am I to feel?
I decide to feel nothing.
To betray no knowledge of this.

I should have never had children.

Without Conscience

For over twenty five years I have barricaded
myself from the possibility of having to rely
on anyone.

Since my accident I have become a parasite.
I can't go anywhere unless someone takes me.

Since October I have been working with K.
We went to school together and I assumed that
the basic standard of humanity would apply.

It did until about December when I suppose he
tired of decency and moved to his true self.

One of the things about Jews is that they feel
a sense of obligation to others. Their sense
of guilt in behaving not up to 'standard' will
effect them; if not at first then at last.

Non Jews, especially those who have no real
religious or ethical base do not have this kind
of internal 'monitor'.

As I live nowhere right now and have no one
and nothing to go home to, it really isn't
important if I get home at 5 or 7. It is just
a matter of decency what time I will be taken.

Originally K would have his son R drop
me off at the 'right' time. Then he decided
that I should wait for his wife who will be
going up with the kids.

As she has her own demons, and has been
adversely effected by living with a man so
selfish and cold she has been warped.

She originally would arrive at the office
and collect me and her son; perhaps taking
ten or fifteen minutes to spend on the
Internet.

Now, she's gone full tilt into sitting
on it for an hour and half.

Why?
How?

She knows I'm waiting and it probably
gives her orgasmic joy knowing she
can keep me trapped while she bangs
away doing nothing.

But further, there is another child, Z
who is taking extra lessons. The lessons
finish at 5:30.

As a parent I have always tried to be
early. I didn't want my child to be
standing there, waiting for me, perhaps
feeling insecure.

The one time I was late I felt so guilty
although it was beyond my control.

She, however, does not leave the office
until 5:30. This would mean that the
child would have to wait, at the best
ten minutes.

On Tuesday, however, the child has
another class at a different school
which begins at 5:45.

It is perfectly possible for the child to
be on time if the mother arrived at 5:30.
But on Tuesday the mother does not leave
the office until 5:45. This means the
child waits at least 30 minutes so she
can arrive at the other lesson late.

It is remarkable to see people like this
for I don't believe I have ever been
exposed to anyone of this nature before.

A mother, so angry and resentful that she
will punish her own children.

K and his wife have nothing to go home to.
Nor do their children. It seems evident they
have stayed together for the 'sake' of the
children who have come to mean nothing to them.

On Friday, knowing I go to shul K
decided to take me to the funeral of
Dudley Thompson. I knew what was going
to happen and thought to jinx it, but one
can't ever thwart this kind of genetic
evil.

So as it got closer to 5 pm I told him
I would walk, he said he'd be ready in
about ten minutes

He sat in a Church listening to a liturgy
as all the speeches had been over.

He was going to sit through an entire
Catholic ritual not because he was interested
in it, but because he knew if he could make
me wait he would gain that overwhelming sense
of power he craves.

I gave him ten minutes then went to shul.
I left him sitting in the Cathedral. I
wasn't even angry or surprised that he
would do this. It is an integral part of
his character.

I suppose my taking it as good theatre isn't
what they had in mind.

Maybe they'll one day realise how it would sound
when I mention their actions to anyone.

Yes, I can get the fact that Wife needs to
view her email, needs to take a glance at her
Facebook Page, but once it goes over fifteen
minutes it is no longer the reason...the reason
is to show power.

I walked to shul, wondering how many minutes after
I left he did. For what pleasure could he get in
exerting authority when there was no one to see it?

Walking into Wierd

So I wind up working for a batchmate. He pays me
a monthly salary. It's kind of a 'alternative
universe' experience on one hand and time eating
enslavement on the other.

What strikes me as fascinating in the kind of person
he became. Maybe all this double faced domination and
egotism was always there but he never got a chance to
daub me with it.

Maybe it's something that developed over the years.
But what I'm seeing is his effect on his wife and
kids, which is incredible.

Although he has a lot of kids with different women
those that 'grow' with him a somewhat warped.

What takes an average person a few hours or days if
they are especially damaged never happens with his
kids. They stay distant, self contained, as if
other people don't exist.

The wife has the ability to be normal but refrains
when around him. She doesn't pop into the office
all happy and outgoing, she slinks in silent, rarely
announcing her presence, not going to him, and being
silent.

The older boy is a virtual zombie. He holds his cell
phone in his hand at all times and texts. He is
constantly texting.

He has no conversation. He can be silent all day.
Trying to make conversation with him is contraindicated.
He gives one word answers if one does get an answer,
never betrays his feelings.

That he needs to communicate is proven with his
cell phone. He is always texting, reading texts,
no matter what is around him.

He doesn't talk to anyone.

His mother believes he has a girlfriend she has
never met. But there is no proof. No name no
meeting, just endless silence.

His sister came for a brief time to the office.
She is a bit more outgoing than him, but they
don't talk. She talks if spoken to or if she
needs something.

There is no relationship between the parents
and the children or among the children.
It is as if they were raised in silence and
forced to be silent so have come to see
silence as normal.

Another son from a different mother whom he
didn't raise is normal. He can talk, express
opinions, make remarks.

He doesn't talk to his half siblings at all.

The batchmate has a very cold and disrespectful
way of talking to me...his main remarks are;
"Too much Talking."

I come in sit down, turn on the computer and
look at what is dumped on my desk. I start the
work but don't call him in most cases because
it only leads to dismissal.

He doesn't want to hear anything from me.

He comes out and doesn't make eye contact,
sometimes barks an order.
Once and awhile smiles and shows me his
good side, but this might be 1 minute every
other week.

He doesn't want me on the phone; be it my own
or the office, or seeing anyone in his sight.
When he's absent the office is warmer, happier,
when he's there a pall hangs over the rooms.

Another Sad

my kids hate me
no
not really shocked or surprised
just didn't think the First son had
the same constructs as the second one.

The father wanted to be put in
contact with the eldest.
I contacted the eldest
the eldest asked for the father's
phone number
I gave it to him.

The next day Son attacks...
"What are you getting from this?"

Took a few minutes for him to catch
that he had called his father

The second son, congealed with hate
twisted into caricature
has filled his head with his problems
and of course, the Big One is willing
to believe anything anti-me.

I didn't know that.

I admit.

I didn't know that he so wanted to find
something to hate me for...wanted to
believe the worst.

Even where it conflicts with his own
actions

So Unca Brian, who used them as drug
mules, who is cheating them out of
their inheritance will be supported
over their hated father

They will help Brian cheat them
because they hate their father.
And they hate me.

They had a horrible childhood but can
not ever truly admit
this
for that would contradict Grandma as
Madonna.
So they hate me and Norman.
Norman they have reason
for he did brutalize them when they
were in those middle years...
but me?

They hate me to hate me
which is alright.

Now, having made the uncorrectable error
the Big one joins the middle one in the
land of vacuum.

Wasting Money / Ours & Theirs

One of the things Jamaicans do so well is waste money.
Successive Governments waste tax payers money until
it's used up, then turn to find some foreign nation or
agency and waste their money.

Anything in Jamaica that actually has value has
cost five or ten times it's actual value.

The Jamaican Government rents premises for its Ministries
Agencies, Commissions, etc. at 3x when a private entity
would pay.

Instead of building one massive set of Governmental offices
where utilities can be shared as well as equipment,
Governmental entities are scattered about the landscape
each paying rent to some private body.

The costs of running the Government are not salaries or
materials, most are rental costs.

Besides wasting tax payers money, and loans, and whatever
other sums accrue, the Jamaican Government knows how to
get foreign companies to waste money.

Right now, the Harbour View Bridge is a monument to
this kind of scheme.

Huge pilings are pounded into the River Bed, a road
is widened at great expense.

Anyone who knows the Terrain knows this is pretty stupid.

The Road from Saint Thomas is narrow. It goes through areas
of tight bends and runs just above the sea in some parts.
For this narrow road to suddenly empty into a four lane
Highway is going to cause unbelievable traffic jams.

Where up until Gustav traffic flowed fairly smoothly, the
only jams since 2008 being limited, as soon as the High Way
is opened, those four lanes squeezed to two will have traffic
backed up for miles.

There will be pile ups similar to those on the New Jersey
turnpike where a 17 car pile up is no biggie.

Widening a few chains of a major artery will cause
amazing dislocation.

But I suppose, there's some other money wasting scheme
to be implemented subsequent.