Two Becomes One

We're all taught that we 'need' a man to 'fulfill' us. We are taught to see ourselves as half a circle. We have lives but they are directed towards this 'goal'. We meet someone, we fall in love, we join with them, and it isn't long before we are not half a circle, we are swallowed up in his circle.

Relationships are very rarely equal. In marriage, and near-marriages, one person, usually the woman, becomes the adjunct, at best, subsumed as usual, destroyed as worst, by the man they 'love'.

There are moments when one realises it, but 'for the sake of the marriage', puts aside 'selfish' goals, and erodes more of her personhood. Sometimes one can define 'Stockholm Syndrome', other times, the identification with the abuser, as Bettleheim documented.

In the best cases it is usually like having a 'parent' who 'looks after us' and 'forms our character.'

We try to stay in the relationship as long as we can, as if there's a benefit in losing our identity. And lose it we do.

Those who were always followers, not particularly opinionated or ambitious can go from parents to husband quite comfortably. Those who broke those parental bonds and became whole suffer the worst when they marry and have to return to the constraints of having please others and displease ourselves.

It is only after; when the marriage breaks down, or when the other person proves to be so much less that we no longer respect nor need to please, that we recapture our essence. That the We becomes Me, and the Us returns to I.