The Ungrateful Child

I was in a homeless shelter.
I called my daughter.
The daughter I had raised.
The daughter I had sent to school, paid school fees, bought clothes and everything for.
The child I carried with me each weekend and whenever I was invited anywhere.
The child whose childhood was made up of 'me and mama' because her father was too busy with various females to pay her much mind.

Yet, the child who worshiped her worthless father.

Something happened to me.
And I needed help
I called her.
For the first and only time in my life I asked her for help.

But she refused to help me.
Living in a large home with her husband and child with money to travel she decided it wasn't convenient.

Ten months later she can import her worthless father to her home and plan on supporting him for the rest of his life.

I find out via a mutual friend that he's 'gone up' to visit 'his daughter'. Neither he, whom I saw last week nor my daughter whom I communicated with on Skype told me.
I find out via an outsider.
And how am I to feel?
I decide to feel nothing.
To betray no knowledge of this.

I should have never had children.

Without Conscience

For over twenty five years I have barricaded
myself from the possibility of having to rely
on anyone.

Since my accident I have become a parasite.
I can't go anywhere unless someone takes me.

Since October I have been working with K.
We went to school together and I assumed that
the basic standard of humanity would apply.

It did until about December when I suppose he
tired of decency and moved to his true self.

One of the things about Jews is that they feel
a sense of obligation to others. Their sense
of guilt in behaving not up to 'standard' will
effect them; if not at first then at last.

Non Jews, especially those who have no real
religious or ethical base do not have this kind
of internal 'monitor'.

As I live nowhere right now and have no one
and nothing to go home to, it really isn't
important if I get home at 5 or 7. It is just
a matter of decency what time I will be taken.

Originally K would have his son R drop
me off at the 'right' time. Then he decided
that I should wait for his wife who will be
going up with the kids.

As she has her own demons, and has been
adversely effected by living with a man so
selfish and cold she has been warped.

She originally would arrive at the office
and collect me and her son; perhaps taking
ten or fifteen minutes to spend on the
Internet.

Now, she's gone full tilt into sitting
on it for an hour and half.

Why?
How?

She knows I'm waiting and it probably
gives her orgasmic joy knowing she
can keep me trapped while she bangs
away doing nothing.

But further, there is another child, Z
who is taking extra lessons. The lessons
finish at 5:30.

As a parent I have always tried to be
early. I didn't want my child to be
standing there, waiting for me, perhaps
feeling insecure.

The one time I was late I felt so guilty
although it was beyond my control.

She, however, does not leave the office
until 5:30. This would mean that the
child would have to wait, at the best
ten minutes.

On Tuesday, however, the child has
another class at a different school
which begins at 5:45.

It is perfectly possible for the child to
be on time if the mother arrived at 5:30.
But on Tuesday the mother does not leave
the office until 5:45. This means the
child waits at least 30 minutes so she
can arrive at the other lesson late.

It is remarkable to see people like this
for I don't believe I have ever been
exposed to anyone of this nature before.

A mother, so angry and resentful that she
will punish her own children.

K and his wife have nothing to go home to.
Nor do their children. It seems evident they
have stayed together for the 'sake' of the
children who have come to mean nothing to them.

On Friday, knowing I go to shul K
decided to take me to the funeral of
Dudley Thompson. I knew what was going
to happen and thought to jinx it, but one
can't ever thwart this kind of genetic
evil.

So as it got closer to 5 pm I told him
I would walk, he said he'd be ready in
about ten minutes

He sat in a Church listening to a liturgy
as all the speeches had been over.

He was going to sit through an entire
Catholic ritual not because he was interested
in it, but because he knew if he could make
me wait he would gain that overwhelming sense
of power he craves.

I gave him ten minutes then went to shul.
I left him sitting in the Cathedral. I
wasn't even angry or surprised that he
would do this. It is an integral part of
his character.

I suppose my taking it as good theatre isn't
what they had in mind.

Maybe they'll one day realise how it would sound
when I mention their actions to anyone.

Yes, I can get the fact that Wife needs to
view her email, needs to take a glance at her
Facebook Page, but once it goes over fifteen
minutes it is no longer the reason...the reason
is to show power.

I walked to shul, wondering how many minutes after
I left he did. For what pleasure could he get in
exerting authority when there was no one to see it?

Walking into Wierd

So I wind up working for a batchmate. He pays me
a monthly salary. It's kind of a 'alternative
universe' experience on one hand and time eating
enslavement on the other.

What strikes me as fascinating in the kind of person
he became. Maybe all this double faced domination and
egotism was always there but he never got a chance to
daub me with it.

Maybe it's something that developed over the years.
But what I'm seeing is his effect on his wife and
kids, which is incredible.

Although he has a lot of kids with different women
those that 'grow' with him a somewhat warped.

What takes an average person a few hours or days if
they are especially damaged never happens with his
kids. They stay distant, self contained, as if
other people don't exist.

The wife has the ability to be normal but refrains
when around him. She doesn't pop into the office
all happy and outgoing, she slinks in silent, rarely
announcing her presence, not going to him, and being
silent.

The older boy is a virtual zombie. He holds his cell
phone in his hand at all times and texts. He is
constantly texting.

He has no conversation. He can be silent all day.
Trying to make conversation with him is contraindicated.
He gives one word answers if one does get an answer,
never betrays his feelings.

That he needs to communicate is proven with his
cell phone. He is always texting, reading texts,
no matter what is around him.

He doesn't talk to anyone.

His mother believes he has a girlfriend she has
never met. But there is no proof. No name no
meeting, just endless silence.

His sister came for a brief time to the office.
She is a bit more outgoing than him, but they
don't talk. She talks if spoken to or if she
needs something.

There is no relationship between the parents
and the children or among the children.
It is as if they were raised in silence and
forced to be silent so have come to see
silence as normal.

Another son from a different mother whom he
didn't raise is normal. He can talk, express
opinions, make remarks.

He doesn't talk to his half siblings at all.

The batchmate has a very cold and disrespectful
way of talking to me...his main remarks are;
"Too much Talking."

I come in sit down, turn on the computer and
look at what is dumped on my desk. I start the
work but don't call him in most cases because
it only leads to dismissal.

He doesn't want to hear anything from me.

He comes out and doesn't make eye contact,
sometimes barks an order.
Once and awhile smiles and shows me his
good side, but this might be 1 minute every
other week.

He doesn't want me on the phone; be it my own
or the office, or seeing anyone in his sight.
When he's absent the office is warmer, happier,
when he's there a pall hangs over the rooms.

Another Sad

my kids hate me
no
not really shocked or surprised
just didn't think the First son had
the same constructs as the second one.

The father wanted to be put in
contact with the eldest.
I contacted the eldest
the eldest asked for the father's
phone number
I gave it to him.

The next day Son attacks...
"What are you getting from this?"

Took a few minutes for him to catch
that he had called his father

The second son, congealed with hate
twisted into caricature
has filled his head with his problems
and of course, the Big One is willing
to believe anything anti-me.

I didn't know that.

I admit.

I didn't know that he so wanted to find
something to hate me for...wanted to
believe the worst.

Even where it conflicts with his own
actions

So Unca Brian, who used them as drug
mules, who is cheating them out of
their inheritance will be supported
over their hated father

They will help Brian cheat them
because they hate their father.
And they hate me.

They had a horrible childhood but can
not ever truly admit
this
for that would contradict Grandma as
Madonna.
So they hate me and Norman.
Norman they have reason
for he did brutalize them when they
were in those middle years...
but me?

They hate me to hate me
which is alright.

Now, having made the uncorrectable error
the Big one joins the middle one in the
land of vacuum.

Wasting Money / Ours & Theirs

One of the things Jamaicans do so well is waste money.
Successive Governments waste tax payers money until
it's used up, then turn to find some foreign nation or
agency and waste their money.

Anything in Jamaica that actually has value has
cost five or ten times it's actual value.

The Jamaican Government rents premises for its Ministries
Agencies, Commissions, etc. at 3x when a private entity
would pay.

Instead of building one massive set of Governmental offices
where utilities can be shared as well as equipment,
Governmental entities are scattered about the landscape
each paying rent to some private body.

The costs of running the Government are not salaries or
materials, most are rental costs.

Besides wasting tax payers money, and loans, and whatever
other sums accrue, the Jamaican Government knows how to
get foreign companies to waste money.

Right now, the Harbour View Bridge is a monument to
this kind of scheme.

Huge pilings are pounded into the River Bed, a road
is widened at great expense.

Anyone who knows the Terrain knows this is pretty stupid.

The Road from Saint Thomas is narrow. It goes through areas
of tight bends and runs just above the sea in some parts.
For this narrow road to suddenly empty into a four lane
Highway is going to cause unbelievable traffic jams.

Where up until Gustav traffic flowed fairly smoothly, the
only jams since 2008 being limited, as soon as the High Way
is opened, those four lanes squeezed to two will have traffic
backed up for miles.

There will be pile ups similar to those on the New Jersey
turnpike where a 17 car pile up is no biggie.

Widening a few chains of a major artery will cause
amazing dislocation.

But I suppose, there's some other money wasting scheme
to be implemented subsequent.

New Years Eve

Another New Year
when I'm alone
feeling empty
not wanting to feel
as if I made the wrong choices
but not seeing other choices

The hard thing about regret is
that you need something to regret

Some decision that you ought not have made
but I don't have that

Saying well, go back back back and not
become involved with Norman...
no
no
I can't regret that
from that marriage came all the most
important moments of my life
nothing compares to those seconds,
minutes, hours, days that I was with him
when he was worth being with
And I can't regret
leaving him
when I learned the depth of cruelty

There is a term, 'decency forbids' in which no
matter what...one does NOT sink to a certain
level
but
he did
he always did
and he never had the sense of mercy or the
sense of compassion
and so
I don't regret marrying him or leaving him

With Alpha there were so many moments
but no alternatives

Had I a real chance with Ken...
but when I thought...
he was gone
hence
it was not to be
and it began as friendship
and never moved

I can't regret what never happened
what never almost happened
because it never reached that moment

So there is no point
that things could have been different
for there was no difference

I can't regret anything
and being alone
who would I be with?

There is no one I see maybe no one
exists who is the other side of my
circle

That is probably what I regret
that there is no other half to my
circle

I suppose I just reached a stage in which
I feel I should be
or should feel
and there's nothing
nothing at all
except today is just like yesterday
only it is tomorrow

2011

If I could pray for something I would
pray to meet the other side of my circle
I would pray for wealth and health and
to not feel so precarious anymore
for that is what I regret
this feeling of being
precarious

With Greed all things are Possible

A man came into possession of a piece of land.
How he did can be debated, but the land was
marked 'No Build'.

Unlike other governmental advisories, this one
is pretty easy to understand. 'No Build' means
that you can Not Build on it. On the other
side of the road a housing scheme was going up
and he wanted to get in on it.

But; this was a No Build area.

Being a rich man he had lawyers investigate
what a No Build area meant.

The lawyers explained in language that he
should understand, that this meant he could
not put up any permanent structure on the land;
i.e. 'Build.'

He wanted to build so he sent them around
nine corners to come up with this plan for
'vacation homes' which would not be
permanent residences.

After doing whatever it took to have this
plan passed and get those houses built
cheek to jowl, he wished to sell them

It was not going well, as people knew
it was a No Build area.

They could see how close to the sea it was
and that it was lower than the road which
ran from the Hope Bridge to St. Thomas.

He waited until October, moved his daughter
into one of the houses, had lots of hype
and newspaper pix and soon all 56 houses
were sold, including the one his daughter
lived in.

Things went well until 2004 and the arrival
of hurricane Ivan which damaged and destroyed
the first row of houses, proving that there was
no sea wall, no coral reef, nothing between the
house and the sea to break its power.

The Residents of Caribbean Terrace gathered
to decided what they should do about it.

Idea were tossed and a lawyer mentioned,
probably without tact, that they could not
consider the value of their homes, for they
were valued Zero.

Each on shrieked at how much his or her home
was valued, unable to grasp that no one in
their right mind would pay 100k for a house
in Caribbean Terrace.

"My House is valued at Sixteen Million!" one
woman shrieked, and before they sent out
for two sticks and three nails, the lawyer
left them to form committees and make demands.

In 2005 and 2006 nothing happened, so everyone
thought it was a fluke and hence would not be
selling their house, save for Full Value.

In 2007 Dean hit, and destroyed the entire first
row and flooded even those farthest from the
sea

The No Build discussion reopened
and the committee was contacted by the Minister
and negotiations were entered.

Eight Million was offered for the larger and
Five Million for the smaller houses.

The Committee turned this down.

They hooted and hollered and argued and were
no longer to be welcome at the Ministry.

As Government held all the cards what was
decided was to not officially declare the
area No Build , which would
make the Gov liable to remove the people.

However, no change of ownership could be
registered on the Title.

Hence outside of those in the first row
who got 5.1M for their houses, the rest
got nothing, and were left to await the
next disaster.